AgoraCart & E-commerce News, Updates, and More - Show ME the Funny

Letter from a Retailer - Show ME the funny

nospam@example.com (Mister Ed) — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 12:48:02 -0400

My oldest daughter sent me this and I just had to share it and "show me the funny". For those thinking that this resembles my sense of humor, I half-heartedly deny any personal resemblance to the feller in the story ... on atleast half of the "infractions". Enjoy ...

Letter from a Retailer

Mrs. Ed,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us
unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the
past few months, all of which have been verified by our surveillance
cameras:

MEMO - Re: Mister Ed - Complaints
Sixteen things Mister Ed has done while his spouse was shopping:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay
away.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk
if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME! PICK ME!"
December 20: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And, last (but not least!) -
December 21: Places prominent stickers on all the Microsoft branded computer accessories on the shelves that read "Not Compatible with Microsnot Windows XP".
And, last (but not least!) -
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;
then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Happy Easter - a message from a client

nospam@example.com (Administrator) — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 16:03:08 -0400

A client of mine from the midwest sent this funny pic to ME in an Easter message. I just had to share it...

Flight Info

nospam@example.com (Administrator) — Wed, 12 Oct 2005 17:18:29 -0400

Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase"
of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from an Air Alaska
Flight Attendant.

In his own words....

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and
the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had
the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an
accomplishment.)
So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what
she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts, I'm
sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF)

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to
San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like
to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most
important safety feature we have aboard this plane is the ... Flight
Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit
rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really
bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.

Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have
nice blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of
the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen
there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who
is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.
If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your
way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own
personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like
your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we
will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we
provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... Hold on, let me
check what it is ... Oh here it is: Tonight's movie is "Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's
going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would
be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless
you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If there's
anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to
ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about
the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Co-pilot's
fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate, so please
don't even try.

Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because
"shift happens."

Word Play

nospam@example.com (Mister Ed) — Tue, 13 Sep 2005 10:55:00 -0400

Here's some funny play on words, probably more silly than funny, but should bring some smiles. Afterall, I strongly believe humor makes life a better place fer us all:

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home. '" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put himdown." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.